Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
