All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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