Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
