I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
