That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
