did you get engaged???
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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