So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
