if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
A+ Viking dick
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
