drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
