My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
