If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
