i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
