I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
