my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
