This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
