Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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