She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
