My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
