dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
