we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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