I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
