Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
