Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
