i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
