I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
