babies were throwing up all over the place
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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