I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
