she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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