Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can tuck mytits in my pants
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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