His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
