Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
