If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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