dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
