definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
