he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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