I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
