I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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