For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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