Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
