You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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