There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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