If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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