how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
