God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
