my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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