i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
