the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
