I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
