I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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