Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
