oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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