Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
