And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
