I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
